No Mo Sleepin' & Eatin'

Not for days. Coming up on weeks. Must I continue teaching? What if I don't want to be a teacher? Do I really have to teach a huge class full of women about God? Someone just tell me all the right questions to ask so I can get them talking. Planning a lesson out of thin air is terrifying and I feel completely inadequate. My last lesson to the teachers on using effective teaching methods did not go so well. Mostly because I had never taught before. Good Ideas...Spiritual Inspiration...anxiety...The whole thing is making me ill. Honestly and Truly.  Been sick since Thursday. Growing pains...come on...can't it be a little more gradual...I think i'm efficient at learning that way too...if this is prep for whats coming i'm a little frightened.

Look at this Groma Picture I took this afternoon. Yikesie ;)

In The Hallway.

Can't I just keep all of the doors propped open for now? All of the good doors? all of the good, healthy, friendly, joy filled and wholesome doors? Currently I don't feel much like committing myself to any. walking through and shutting myself in? For the moment, that does not at all sound like a good idea. Let me float where I may...Let's see which doors God would have me open ;) And let's just sit on the floor in the hallway.

Another Year

I watched a movie this week that I am completely in love with! Another Year. Mostly it's about a couple named Tom and Gerri and how in love and happy they are with their life together and all the crazy unhappy ridiculous people around them. Tom and Gerri are truly the best people and try to help their friends who all seem to be incapable of changing for the better while making a little bit of fun of them at the same time. They are my favorite couple now and I hope to someday be just as happily in love with my own existence :)

"I'm very much a glass-half-full kind of girl. But it's tricky, because... I meet these older men who want somebody younger, and that's great, because I fit the bill. But... when they find out that... you know, I'm not as young as they thought, they don't want to know. My looks work against me."-Mary from Another Year

Black Dirt Under Your Feet

I Just made some JUICE :))

Cure all that ails you with pure nutrients made for you by God! I ain't taken no synthetic vitamins from a pill!

oh no.

"I want to have pride like my mama has and not like the kind in the bible that turns you bad. I want to have friends that I can trust. That love me for the man i've become not the man that I was."

-The Avett Brothers, The Perfect Space.

so overwhelmed these last few days. I've helped my Dad with several classes on juice cleansing and sourdough this week, including teaching one on my own! yikes! and i've done so many massages everyday AND I have to speak in church this sunday and teach my first class in church. So i've been putting those together this week. And I'm sick as a dog since Thursday. Just pushing through it. Lately I just keep telling myself "I can relax next week..." nope. There's always another thing. Always something. "life is hard and then you die..." how right my dad is ;) good thing i'm so happy these days. I wouldn't know how to cope with all these outgoing activities I've got going on. But oh how I do love to hibernate and read and take baths and play music alone in my room. Sometimes I think I could live my whole life in perfect silence. Well, maybe just if everyone in the world were silent or gone except me and the animal friends...I do love people. I do. ;)

Working on these:

I have very little hatred but the bit I do have is undoubtedly poison.

Only a few worries this week. Mostly having to do with public speaking. yikes.

I believe I do live quite simply!

Give More. Working on that one again. Now that I'm emotionally well once more.

Expect less. Perhaps I expect too little of people now :( ?

Turkey Eggs, Sauteed Mushrooms and Tiny Bits of Neighbor Caught Deer Meat, Homemade Sourdough Bread Spread with Raw Honey from our recently deceased Bees.

My New Friend Jefra gave me the number of her Chimney Sweep because she wants me to date him. Waha! I love hilarious new friends i've been making!

A Few Thoughts From Lately

• Socks make your feet colder to sleep with! They're warmest with friends!
• I'm teaching 2 classes about juice cleansing today! wish me luck ;)
• I want to eat erry ting with chopsticks! things like salad! like my dear girl Sherri does!
• My female body is in sync with the phases of the moon! Finally! 
• I am stoked about Stokes the grocery store and their vast assortment of pomegranate juices!
• A friend told me I ought to watch "Leon the Professional". I agree.
• Next time a suitor I am fearful of encouraging tries somethin' I wish I would say "I could never bare to belittle the belongings of love. So I refuse to help you along in the falling for me!". waha.
• I like elk and not deer so much. to eat.
• A lady I massaged recently told me a recipe for lotion. makin' some!
• My mother makes the most divine quiche in the whole world. Dinner tonight!
• Our turkey, whom I like to call Geneva, has been laying eggs everyday lately. The other day she laid 3 in one day. Turkeys are only supposed to lay in the spring. Either she she thinks she is a chicken or she realized in order to live she must earn her keep like the other hens ;) I hope we keep her around. I like her.
• Everything I talk about is food related. Oops.
• I love my Kitten Temperance. I worry she might be pregnant. But I feel bad getting her fixed because she's such a snuggly, loving cat and I wonder if she aspires to be a mother! 
• Sometimes I think about Clark and Emily and my heart hurts. Some people like Kayla and Daniel help me believe that love is still true but there are some that make me certain of the opposite.

Amid the Forest, Darkly Green, She Lives with Dwarfs-the Hills Between

I'm starting to believe I might not have a spirit animal. Friends and I are always trying to figure it out. I've had people tell me I must be a dog because i'm so terribly loyal. OR a chicken because I'm so nurturing, quirky and fearful. OR an owl because of how "little and wise" I am. Not to mention my tiny owl voice. But of course, I must be a cat because I'm such an old cat lady already. These cats and I seem to get along so well. None of them are through and through true though. So maybe I'm just more of a snow white. Copious men friends, Animal companions and all. I think I'd prefer to live my life hidden in a forest cottage anyway ;)
I've been reading a lot of Grimm's fairy tales the last several months. They are horrifying. I love them.
The last paragraph of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves:
"...The Old Queen was in a fury, and was so terribly mortified that she knew not what to do with herself. At first she resolved not to go to the wedding, but she could not resist the wish for a sight of the young Queen, and as soon as she entered she recognized Snow-White, and so terrified with rage and astonishment that she remained rooted to the ground. Just then a pair of red-hot iron shoes were brought in with a pair of tongs and set before her, and these she was forced to put on and to dance in them till she fell down dead." Horrible :)
In my favorite childhood version of the story the old queen's head explodes. yikes.



















Also, I love Rachel Weisz :)

It Beats Me But I Do Not Know

...And the way it will all come together in quietness and in time.



There are a few things that make me the MOST excited about having kids in the future! this is definitely one of them! Mud, Singing, Little People Food, Spending Time Out In The Forest, Bonding With Chickens & Cats, Tiny Clothes, Telling Stories, Miniature Voices...SO Fun. In my life plan I was going to get married when I was 23 (which I am reaching the end of). And I'd have my babies sometime after 25. Not going to happen. And thats ok! The older I get the more ok I am with having fewer babies and in a time further away from now ;) even though I do love them. Glad I've never gotten the crazy itch like so many of my friends! I'm so happy and excited about the way my life is going right now and about whatevers in the future. SO glad I don't feel disappointed with the path God has put me on. I'm right where I ought to be!

Foaks Podcast Episode!!! :))

i'm not quite sure how to post a better link. but you can go here:

http://www.100blockpodcast.com/episode-004-ferocious-oaks/

Blinded By Love

"She has no idea what a villain I am!"-King Boy
"He's so perfect if I keep my eyes closed to all of his deceitful tricks!"-Young Girl

Funny pictures from days passed.

We must all learn. And move on. Hopefully to things that are more awesome ;)

and fitting.

Massage, Massage, Massage

I've got Massage Therapy on the brain...focusing on my home practice with the new year. AND  I LOVE IT! My schedule has just been fillin' right up these last few days and I don't know where its all coming from :) I have my own room at home with a vibroacoustic massage table and a giant glowing crystal lamp my dear friend daniel got me for christmas! Tons of rich essential oils! Beautiful art work from an old friend! how lucky am i?!
I love to trade. love it. I feel like I can trade for almost anything. I trade with my hairstylist, my dentist, for artwork, I traded for my iphone (pretty much) and I just met a vocal coach who wants to trade AND this lady who owns this gym down the hill may end up trading me for a gym pass! The whole world. Right in my hands, no money needed. Hallelujah!

Love My Anthropologie Socks 

My Tiny Tempe Cat 

&

How My Hair is WAVY Today:)

It's Better This Way

Finished everything in the studio last night! Ferocious Oaks album "it's better this way" comes out on the 20th of January! hooray! We've been working on this forever and I cannot even tell you how excited I am! The Foaks and I have been to hell and back in the years we've been together and I think we all deserve to have the album finally out. These songs deserve to breathe the mountain air!
It was so completely crazy listening to the whole thing last night. I can hardly believe Clayton picked out the order without knowing what they all mean to me. The story of 2 years of my life! All laid out for anyone to listen to. yikes ;) i love the whole thing. I love my Bamily. There have definitely been times when I was certain I couldn't do it anymore but I love music and I love playing it with such dear and true friends. You can only create this kind of friendship from music and unconditional love. I really have to say we have that for each other. Even if we're no good, there's so much love and ridiculous laughter in our band. That's why people go to our shows :) I am so truly grateful for the chance to create music with such real and beautiful human creatures as these :))

A Tentative Welcome Home To Bernice

After a month in the shop and no hope of diagnosis, Bernice (my subaru) and I are reunited! When she died on the freeway I swore I wouldn't take her back til her disease was identified but apparently she's been on her best behavior these last several weeks...I'm seriously starting to wonder if she's got a devil in her. We'll see how things go. She is such a dream in a lot of ways. And full of some of the sweetest memories.

Temperance!

This is my Cat. Her name is Temperance. And she's a gem of a feline!

ps i really like this new framing app i got on my phone :)

and my tights and my boots.

Just Another Love To Give & A Diamond Day

In my own mind, Singing for someone is like sharing one of the most precious pieces of your soul with them. I think there's a few things I don't share because I feel this way about them. And it has taken me a really long time to realize that sharing with people does not mean you are giving your soul away to them! I'm through with giving away my soul to other human creatures! The process of calling it back is too long and painful. Not to mention the feeling of being fragmented like VOLDEMORT!!!

Anyway, I am very excited about learning to share! Being homeschooled most of my life, I feel like I might have missed that vital childhood lesson.

My Musical Goal:

(Something I wrote in August of last year)

"I feel that I am supposed to be my children's own personal folk singer :)

And coming to this realization has made me far less fearful of singing.

Musically my goal, at the moment, is to improve to the point where I can share openly with those I love and be merry" :)

AND thats why we ought to play music, friends! So we can all play together and learn to communicate on a deeper level! what else could music be for than to create bridges between all of our hearts!?

I'm thinking about teaching group ukulele lessons. Sounds like fun! I'm sure we'd just learn basic chords and Vashti Bunyan songs. But really! so fun!

Shortribs or Sheepshanks or Laceleg?

You know when you fall in love with someone and its like everything they create is gold and you give them the whole kingdom and they go along with it but really they don't care too much whether you truly love them or let them go on their own way and then you finally figure out that it was really rumplestiltskin who spun all the gold and they were never really that great anyway plus you always had to pay for dinner because they were just some poor peasant with convincingly good looks and occasional good "intentions"?

Sometimes I feel like that happened to me.
I always thought the straw spinning damsel was the victim in the old grimm story. Looks like I may have wrongly judged that greedy king.
Pros for Rumplestiltskin:
Humble, Mysterious, Hardworking,
Keeps His Word & Holds Others to Theirs.
If Mr. Rumple wasn't terribly creepy I'd considered dating someone similar.
I'm sure we can all think of someone we know relatable to this small terrifying man.

The Good That Wont Come Out

Whilst doing some internal inventory this last year I discovered that I have a wee bit of a problem. I am only attracted to the wrong kind of men. 
I've begun to make a list of the types I seem to gravitate towards. And the list has quickly filled with men possessing negative qualities definitely outnumbering the good. But I have this gift that helps me to see the good (or possibility of good) in all people no matter how hidden it is, which is a wonderful thing. Unless you're always finding yourself going for men that may or may never "rearrange their plans and change for you". If I'd known about this years ago I'd still never have let myself fall in love. (Don't misinterpret! I'd never go back, but the young naive me would run in the other direction if she knew what was ahead! And rightly so!).
But through some serious future analysis I hope to find and destroy the origins of my chronic weakness. We shall see. Someday I will be able to feel real true passionate feelings for someone capable of loving me like any human creature ought to be loved! :)

Mama How Far I've Come

It's a funny thing, women and their hair. About a year ago I found I could no longer tolerate my A-lign haircut. So the only thing to do was handle it like a 5-year old and chop the long pieces off...yikes. Lizzy-poo, my hairstylist & dear friend, was horrified and used my bad behavior as an excuse to finally give me the long pixie she'd been dreaming of since we first started working together. 

And I became one of those short haired girls who are always trying to convince new people that "this isn't really me, i'm the long hair type". I suppose I just had a moment of crazy. The kind you have when you lose the man you love and finally sever yourself from all the unhealthy friendships you used to be able to handle. Sometimes we get to a point where we must cut off all the old and dying and start over. I actually think I was pretty brave to act so bold for once. Its only done me good thus far! So here I am a year later with new spiritual stamina, emotionally fulfilling relationships, wide open eyes and shoulder length hair. Looking upward and praying for continued growth in more ways than one ;)

Hair Affirmations:

Of course, everyone wants Zooey Deschanel's hair. :)
I especially love her bangs.
Although I prefer mine a tad more baby.















There's some unspoken rule about being a harpist.
All the good ones have long hair. Men and women alike.
Its real! I've seen it! Joanna Newsom being one with VERY
long hair.

Cat Power.

This is my favorite picture of Jenny Lewis. So cute and happy without make up :)

Wishwanderer

My parents don't leave town much. I don't even remember my parents going on any trips since a cruise they boarded when I was just a small child. And I only remember that because as a result of them leaving I got to have my very first sleepover (which I threw up in the middle of!). They just got back from a visit to my old forest home town and they brought presents! I appreciate my mothers gift giving so much more now that i'm an adult child. instead of just a child child like before ;)

Lets Take It Outside!

WHY has it taken me SO long to find this?!?

I've listened to Fionn Regan's first album thousands of times...but finally I have access to albums 2 and 3 :)  The End of History is divinity for the baby earbugs in my brain ;)

I will never understand why he is still so unknown.

Looks like 100 Acres of Sycamore and The Shadow of an Empire are going to be playing at my house quite often from here on out.

Holding Moments in the Depth of Care

I have a twin sister. She was born 17 years late, so she's quite a bit younger than me. But she is definitely my twin in personality and physical likeness. Our dear parents have been out of town for the last 3 days so we've been spending every minute together. It's been too long since we've had some serious quality time alone. She's such a creative little sprite! Every night we get out our ukuleles and sing this song by Vashti Bunyan before reading Leven Thumps and the Gateway to Foo, saying our prayers and snuggling under the dozens of quilts in my bed :) this weekend has been divine. I'm so happy to have such a precious little sister.

Goodnight :)

2012

January is a new beginning and I'm plunging in with a secret. I'm starting a new blog. I refuse to share it with anyone. So I can speak my own truths without nervousness and prolong in my efforts to dispel my fear of creation.

My Name is Patchouli Jones and my home is on the side of a mountain named after a specific type of shoe.